I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
People in love make me want to vomit
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
