You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
