Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So squirting runs in the family.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
