What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
