On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
