sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
