I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
