I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she told me i tasted like america
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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