Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
