Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
