How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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