i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
