I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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