Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
