Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
