"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
