Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
