So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
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