im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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