hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
