yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
