my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
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I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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