It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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