ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Are my feet made of real feet?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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