I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
