Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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