I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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