That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
