It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
