I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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