i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
