some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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