The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
