We're like a lot better than the average bears
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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