I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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