he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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