how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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