just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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