Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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