And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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