atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
