omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
