I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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