I smell stomach acid.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he was CRYING into my vagina
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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