So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
