dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
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wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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