do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.