got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.