I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
