I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
