I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
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For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
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Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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