He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
