Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
