it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
